Tiger gave a very contrite and sincere speech today. At least this is what his handlers want us to think. His speech had to be re-written at the last minute as what he wanted to say would not fly. I though it would be fun to share his real speech, here is what was going through is mind as he talked. Enjoy!
If Tiger really wrote his speech.
First let me start by saying thank you to everyone who is here, though it is kinda creepy that my mom is sitting here. Seriously, do you have to look at me this way? I was going to explain in detail why I did what I did, but with her watching me, let’s just say I really enjoyed the Appalachian trails and paths I found over the last few years. As part of my therapy I have to say I am sorry to those I have hurt. Since my wife is not talking to me, I will say I am sorry to the other important people in my life; the people who made me a billionaire.
Okay, I was caught; man am I sorry! See I thought I was smarter than all of you. I truly believed I could get away with sleeping with countless women. Who knew these women would keep all my text messages and photos? Really, what were they thinking?? They knew I was married, I told them so, but ye here it is, they seem to think they are entitled to some sort of gain from me. Who would have thought? One or two thought I would leave my wife; as if I would split my hard earned money.
When I got married I figured I would have sex every night. It is every man’s dream to marry a hot model and do her when when ever the mood struck. And man did the mood strike often! I love sex and want it often. I had no idea marriage would kill the mood, if you know what I mean. After all I am away a lot and wow, having kids around sure does make it hard to have spontaneous marital fun.
You know what makes it easy to have as much sex as you want? Money and fame. Just telling women my name is Tiger got them all hot and bothered. You have no idea how easy it is to get laid and laid by freaky nasty girls! Come on you have seen these broads; you would do them to given the chance. These girls love to get nude, have you seen their pictures taken since this all came out? I am talking nasty easy girls! Again it was so easy to pick them up.. hell right now I could have anyone I wanted. Therapy has ”taught” me this is wrong so I guess I will go back to my room after this is over, but if I could…
So I got caught, I am so so sorry too! I decided to devote myself to Buddhism. I heard Britt Hume wants me to find Jesus but that means confessing and worshiping another guy, yeah like that will ever happen! No, I am devoting myself to Buddhism. It teaches us that physical desires are bad and only lead to suffering (like doing this speech). It also teaches material things are not necessary, but one problem at a time.
So again I am sorry I got caught. Though I am entitled to all that fame and fortune can bring, I now realize these entitlements come with a price. The price I had to pay was standing here telling you how sorry I am. Now that I am done I hope you will all leave me alone to live my life; anyway I damn well please!
That is the speech Tiger would have given, at least this is how I heard it.