Amazon is evil I tell you, pure evil! They easily herd sheep like me to the checkout button with way more items than necessary and unplanned purchases. Case in point. It occur to me this afternoon as I was folding towels and listening to a Mysterious Universe podcast, that some of my towels like my life were unraveling around the edges. Perhaps, I thought, what I need is not a new outlook but some new towels. Towels that not only look good, but would remind me that sometimes in life all we need is a warm bubble bath and a big soft towel. Sometimes it’s the small stuff that gets me through the day.
So after I finished folding the towels I headed over to my computer and pulled up the Amazon website. This may seem like a lazy move on my part but you have to understand that I live in a small town where the only two stores that carry towels are Wal-Mart and Target, both of which I try to avoid at all cost. Then again, maybe hanging out at Wal-Mart for an hour would make me feel better about myself, hum… Click here if you don’t know what I’m talking about.
I wanted nice towels, so I first looked at Egyptian cotton, then organic cotton, then any towel with a good review. Reading towel reviews taught me that many, many people take the personal drying off ritual very seriously. All I wanted to know was if the towel held up after several washings, not how close to a sexual experience some people come to while toweling off.
Colors, oh crap, I forgot what an ordeal choosing colors are for me! I hate having to decide what shade of the light spectrum I prefer for any given thing. I am still upset over how bright my living room walls turned out, and I completely freeze up when faced with a choice of color of clothing, which is probably why I wear a lot of black. So there I sat, trying to decide which color of towel goes with a broken psyche. Did I want Turkish espresso (brown) to match my mood, or did I want cream to brighten my mood? Since most of my decisions lately have been disastrous, I went with light blue just to be safe. I placed my choice in my shopping cart-so far so good-right? Wrong! Up pops a list of “things other people bought with their towels”. I made the mistake of looking at the list. Did you know there are shower curtains that can run up to $135? I don’t know who the brain behind Blessed Living Homes, is, but he or she is a marketing genius!
The next items that pop up are satin sheets. Personally I don’t like satin sheets, but the reviews had me wishing I did. I thought sheets might be my next mood enhancing need, so I spend several long minutes contemplating cotton vs. flannel. I went with a nice set of white flannel sheets, because of the reviews and because I have never had white sheets. These days I’m “pure” so why not pure white sheets? After I placed this set in my cart another list pops up, one that read, I kid you not “here are items from your wish list, why not get something for yourself?” Thanks Amazon for misjudging my purchases! You assume I am buying towels and sheets for friends. You think I am buying these as a wedding present? Getting a divorce and starting again? What are you trying to say?
Okay, so I calm down and look at my wish list, after all, it wouldn’t hurt to throw in a book or two. I notice on my wish list I have Shakespeare Beyond Doubt: Evidence, Argument, Controversy. The book comes out later this month, so I decide to go ahead and pre-order it. Once this is in my cart, another list comes up. What the hell is it with Amazon and lists! This is their evil plan at work, because as much as I don’t want to, I feel compelled to view it. I look at the list and see there are books on Shakespeare I had never heard of. One in particular caught my eye; Shakespeare Saved My Life: Ten Years in Solitary with the Bard. Damn it Amazon, how did you know I couldn’t resist. Sigh, in the cart it went. I paid for my purchases like a good sheep and logged off. Finally, no more lists! No more judging me! No more time consuming reviews, no more pictures of things I may “need”.
You’d think I learned my lesson, but no. Next I headed to Twitter….