Amateur Night at the Alamo; a Satirical Standoff

The only shooting here are the cameras in front of Bundy.
The only shooting here are the cameras in front of Bundy.

Well folks, it looks like we have another performance artist to add to the list of politically driven theater. Coming off the heels of Trumps satirical political run for office, is a satirical stand-off in the far corners of Oregon staring Ammon Bundy and his small band of brothers in arms.

In case you missed this piece of theater, Ammon Bundy, son of the infamous Rancher Clivin Bundy, led a small armed group to Eastern Oregon in order to take over a small federal wild life sanctuary in protest of the reincarceration of two Oregon Ranchers who were convicted of arson.

The Saturday before the pair of Oregon ranchers were to begin their second prison sentence (the original sentence being declared too short) a group of local protesters gathered in Burns Oregon (yes the two convicted arsonists lived in Burns Oregon; insert joke here). As the protesters grew in numbers a few men, led by Bundy decided to take some real action. Bundy’s performance started with a rally “Those who want to go take hard stand, get in your trucks and follow me!

God forgot to tell Bundy to bring snow shovels.
God forgot to tell Bundy to bring snow shovels.

From the original 100 or so protesters, only 11 followed Bundy to the Malheur Wildlife sanctuary; a small federal reserve that houses mostly birds. The building the group took over is nothing more than a gift shop that closes in the winter due to the snow and lack of wildlife (birds being smarter than Bundy flee the area during the winter months).

On Sunday the satirical standoff really took off. Much like Trump’s bombastic rhetoric, thick with outlandish and comical ideas, the group responded to reporters with these gems:

This refuge here is rightfully owned by the people and we intend to use it. We will be here as a unified body of people that understand the principles of the Constitution( or at least until the toilet paper runs out and the group realizes no one is coming to clean the port potties).”

We know based on history that the federal government will try to take control, and they will try to bring force upon these people,” They will literally kill these people that are here, in order to make their message.” Yet Bundy admitted to a reporter that the group has not heard from the authorities since taking over the site. If no one responds to a standoff is it still a standoff or clandestine camping trip? It’s been four days and still no sign of the feds.

In a home video, Bundy explains how God told him to go to Oregon and take a stand for the people. One would think God has bigger things on his mind, than to defend a Oregon building, but maybe not. Personally, I think God is trolling Bundy.

On first glance it would appear the standoff is not going well. The feds aren’t biting and the group’s plea for more armed men are being ignored. But the show must go on, so the group has taken to Facebook, with a SOS: Send us food, socks, snacks, energy drinks, anything! No word if the culinary Calvary is on its way.

As far as standoffs go, this is a dud. No feds, no food, no supplies. For a group who has vowed to “remain on the land for years!”, they are not well prepared to do so. One has to wonder, if God truly told Bundy to go to Oregon, why he didn’t also give him a list of supplies to take? Is God in on the act?

This is why it has to be satire. The comical approach this group has taken can only be seen as performance art. There is little point to their take-over, as the ranchers to whom they have pledged to defend have stated that Bundy and his group do not speak for us. The townspeople have asked them to leave, and the winter weather will delay if not outright stop any food delivery. If this were a live theater production, it would have folded after one night.

Even the media is staying away from what I term this as Amateur Night at the Alamo. Fox News isn’t even buying this act! Megan Kelly asked Bundy:

You know the argument on the other side,” she said. “These ranchers — who you support but are not directly involved [with] — had their day in court. They were found guilty, and it went all the way up to the US Supreme Court, which denied their appeal. Isn’t that the way it’s supposed to work in our country when it comes to the rule of law?”

Though Bundy says he’s a Constitutionalist, he refuses to accept the Supreme Court’s decision. He can’t because of he did, this would be a major plot hole in his narrative. With little support, Bundy has no choice but to double down on his claims of “people’s rights”.

It remains to be seen just how long Bundy and his small band can hold off the invisible feds, but one thing is clear, American satire is on the rise. What’s next? A group of highly paid yet dysfunctional do–nothing but whine men taking over a federal building in D.C.? Oh, wait.. we have that piece of satirical theater; it’s called Congress.

Works referenced
Littlegreenfootballs.com
The Oregonian.com
The Raw Story

Suggested reading for the GOP candidates

You might wonder why, but last night I sat through the two hour Republican debate. Yes, part of me does this out of shear delight in seeing the desperate candidates battle each other the title “Winner of dumbest idea”, but another part of me watches because as a member of our voting society, it is incumbent upon me to know where these people stand on issues and what to fear if one of them, god forbid, actually becomes president.

The subject of last night’s 5th debate was national security or as they tried to sell it, “why we all should be shitting our pants right now”. It was a hard choice: Christie wanted us to fear 5 year old refugee orphans, Cruz and Rubio, (both children of immigrants) wanted us to fear not only those that want to come to our country but also those non-whites already here but who do not have proper documentation. I wish my non-white ancestors asked for the Puritan’s papers..but I digress.

During the debate many of the candidates showed their lack of knowledge on the pre-screened questions. Come on people, you knew they were coming! Christie said he wanted to have a serious talk with King Hussein of Jordan about the King’s possible involvement with terrorists. Yeah, good luck with that Christie, that King of Jordan has been dead for 16 years. Trump couldn’t answer the question of which part of our Nuclear Triad is most important (hint this triad comprises of three types of nuclear bomb delivery systems). Trump shrugged and said, “The nuclear power is most important”. I wish the moderator would have followed and asked him “which delivery system should we upgrade?” just to see him squirm.

As the debate went on (and on) it became clear that while these candidates prided themselves on their ability to sound strong, none sounded particularly smart or well read. And maybe that’s the problem with politicians, they do not have time to read. Which is to bad for if they did, it may expand their worldview. So for the good of the country, I’d like to offer a few of the candidates suggested reading material based on their most egregious debate answers.

Trump: “I would knock the hell out of ISIS and when you get these terrorists, you have to take out their families”.

Mr. Trump, while this may sound like it would keep America safe, in reality it would only inflame and then encourage more hate against America. And then…more innocent Americans would die because of your actions. Besides, being a terrorist’s family member is not always something someone choses to be. The sins of the radical should not be the sins of the family; no matter what the Bible, you’ve clearly never read, tells you.

ShalimarClownRushdie

I’d like to suggest you pick up Salman Rushdie’s 2006, “Shalimar the Clown”. In this wonderful and heartbreaking book Mr. Trump, you will not only come face to face with families of radicalized terrorists, you’ll meet the families that once loved them, the families that mourn them, though they live. You’ll come face to face with those who are personally affected by terrorists on a daily basis, yet retain hope, humanity and love for their fellow man. It is a lesson you so obviously need to learn.

Carly Fiorina: On Putin.“I will not speak to him personally until we’ve rebuilt the Sixth Fleet a little bit right under his nose, rebuilt missile defense program in Poland, right under his nose and conducted a few military exercises in the Baltic States.”

dr_strangelove_still6

I wracked my brain trying to come up with a book that would best illustrate what her blustering would mean to the world, but then I remembered she liked watching videos (one in particular no one else has yet seen) so my suggestion is “Dr. Stranglove, Stanley Kubrick’s 1964 satire about the wrong person at the wrong time who got his hands on the wrong button. Seems appropriate enough. Come to think of it, this brief synopsis could also work as the plot to a film about Fiorina’s time as CEO of H.P.

Cruz and Rubio clashed about who would be the strongest on new immigration policies. Both were eager to show the other as weak on illegal immigrants, even though at one time or another both favored amnesty for those who are already in our country.

the-tortilla-curtain1

While there are many good books about Mexican immigrants (and let’s face it, these are the ones Cruz and Rubio are fighting about) written by brilliant Mexican writers, I’m opting one written by an American as not to offend their collective sensitive values. T.C. Boyle’s 1995, “Tortilla Curtin” offers a glimpse in the lives and struggles of illegal immigrants trying to make a living in Los. Angels. From the inside jacket: “Mexican illegals Candido and America Rincon desperately cling to their vision of the American Dream as they fight off starvation in a makeshift camp deep in the ravine”. Maybe if these two privileged son’s of immigrants learned about the truly desperate but hopeful lives of those living in extreme poverty they’d learn to lighten up a bit as they discover an America they have never had to experience. Or, maybe we can just send them to Cuba and see who swims back the fastest.

Carson. What can we say about Carson? The man asked for a moment of silence for the California shooting victims only to say “Thank you” four seconds later. What, a brain surgeon who cannot count to 60? On top of that he mispronounced the name of the RNC chairman, Reince Priebus. I concede it may be hard to pronounce if one has never hear it spoken, but as a member of the GOP, Carson surly has had to of heard the name several times. Carson called him “Reince Pubis”. I laughed out loud when I heard this. While many Americans might consider the chairman a dick, I don’t think anyone would call him a pubis, at least not to his face.

Dr.-Seuss-Mr.-Brown-Can--pTRU1-7363678dt

Poor Ben is confused and befuddled. Between not knowing how long a minute is or what to call the leader of his party, it is hard to imagine him reading anything. But then it hit me. Most (okay, all) adult books may be much more than Ben can handle, so why not introduce the perplex doctor to another doctor? I’d like to introduce Dr. Carson to Dr. Seuss. Let’s start him with “One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish (I Can Read It All by Myself)” and then work his way up to “ Mr. Brown can moo, can you?” Hopefully these two books will teach Carson numbers and why they matter and a book about proper pronunciation.

If the above-mentioned candidates take up my humble suggestions perhaps the next debate, while not as entertaining, might consist of some semblance of adult content and slightly intelligent ideas. But don’t count on it. From what I have seen these people pride themselves on holding ignorant worldviews and acting uneducated. And that my friends, scares me more than any national “threat” they shout about.

If you have reading suggestions for our candidates, leave them in the comment section. The world will thank you!