What if Polonius had to give Laertes advice today?

What if Polonius had to give Laertes advice today?

Here is the original fatherly advice

Yet here, Laertes? Aboard, aboard, for shame!
The wind sits in the shoulder of your sail,
And you are stay’d for. There- my blessing with thee!
And these few precepts in thy memory
Look thou character. Give thy thoughts no tongue
Nor any unproportion’d thought his act.
Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar:
Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,
Grapple them unto thy soul with hoops of steel;
But do not dull thy palm with entertainment 550
Of each new-hatch’d, unfledg’d comrade. Beware
Of entrance to a quarrel; but being in,
Bear’t that th’ opposed may beware of thee.
Give every man thine ear, but few thy voice;
Take each man’s censure, but reserve thy judgment.
Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy,
But not express’d in fancy; rich, not gaudy;
For the apparel oft proclaims the man,
And they in France of the best rank and station
Are most select and generous, chief in that.
Neither a borrower nor a lender be;
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.
This above all- to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Farewell. My blessing season this in thee!

And now, his take on the modern world.

Yes, this is Bill Murry as Polonius.
Yes, this is Bill Murry as Polonius.

Laertes, you’re still here? Shame on you, get on board! The airline security waiting lines are long and they won’t hold the plane just for you.
Here, I give you my blessing and some fatherly advice.
Don’t say what you think on Twitter, and be careful what acts you post on Facebook. What happens in Vegas may stay in Vegas but pictures on Facebook are forever.
Be friendly, but don’t share your personal information with anyone online.
Just because someone “Friends” you on Facebook does not mean he is your true friend. Make sure those friends thou hast are real and not catfishing you.
Do not dull thy palm with each new-hatched, unfledged comrade; you never know who washes his hands after using the bathroom.
Beware of entrance to a quarrel but being in, bear’t that th’ opposer is not carrying a gun.
Give every man they ear but few thy texts.
Take each man’s censure but reserve thy judgment. Be skeptical, especially if someone tells you, “I know is true because I read it on the Internet”.
Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy, but don’t fall for labels or the latest from Abercrombie and Fitch. Jesus, those guys look like assholes.
Neither a borrower nor a lender be. Stay away from Kickstarter and GoFundMe. As the old saying goes, if you want to lose a friend, loan him twenty dollars.
This above all: to thine own self be true; self-awareness will save you from years of therapy. And it must follow, as the night the day, don’t pretend to be false on the Internet, anyone can now run a background check.

Farewell. My blessings. Text me when you get to France!

Author: sarij

I'm a writer, lifelong bibliophile ,and researcher. I hold a Bachelors in Humanities & History and a Master's in Humanities. When I'm not reading or talking about Shakespeare or history, you can usually find me in the garden discussing science or politics with my cat.

Talk to me

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