What if Polonius had to give Laertes advice today?

What if Polonius had to give Laertes advice today?

Here is the original fatherly advice

Yet here, Laertes? Aboard, aboard, for shame!
The wind sits in the shoulder of your sail,
And you are stay’d for. There- my blessing with thee!
And these few precepts in thy memory
Look thou character. Give thy thoughts no tongue
Nor any unproportion’d thought his act.
Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar:
Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,
Grapple them unto thy soul with hoops of steel;
But do not dull thy palm with entertainment 550
Of each new-hatch’d, unfledg’d comrade. Beware
Of entrance to a quarrel; but being in,
Bear’t that th’ opposed may beware of thee.
Give every man thine ear, but few thy voice;
Take each man’s censure, but reserve thy judgment.
Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy,
But not express’d in fancy; rich, not gaudy;
For the apparel oft proclaims the man,
And they in France of the best rank and station
Are most select and generous, chief in that.
Neither a borrower nor a lender be;
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.
This above all- to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Farewell. My blessing season this in thee!

And now, his take on the modern world.

Yes, this is Bill Murry as Polonius.
Yes, this is Bill Murry as Polonius.

Laertes, you’re still here? Shame on you, get on board! The airline security waiting lines are long and they won’t hold the plane just for you.
Here, I give you my blessing and some fatherly advice.
Don’t say what you think on Twitter, and be careful what acts you post on Facebook. What happens in Vegas may stay in Vegas but pictures on Facebook are forever.
Be friendly, but don’t share your personal information with anyone online.
Just because someone “Friends” you on Facebook does not mean he is your true friend. Make sure those friends thou hast are real and not catfishing you.
Do not dull thy palm with each new-hatched, unfledged comrade; you never know who washes his hands after using the bathroom.
Beware of entrance to a quarrel but being in, bear’t that th’ opposer is not carrying a gun.
Give every man they ear but few thy texts.
Take each man’s censure but reserve thy judgment. Be skeptical, especially if someone tells you, “I know is true because I read it on the Internet”.
Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy, but don’t fall for labels or the latest from Abercrombie and Fitch. Jesus, those guys look like assholes.
Neither a borrower nor a lender be. Stay away from Kickstarter and GoFundMe. As the old saying goes, if you want to lose a friend, loan him twenty dollars.
This above all: to thine own self be true; self-awareness will save you from years of therapy. And it must follow, as the night the day, don’t pretend to be false on the Internet, anyone can now run a background check.

Farewell. My blessings. Text me when you get to France!

Dear Prudence, are we being punked?

Forgive me for taking a break from my usual line of posts to address this burning question. What’s the deal with Slate Magazine’s Dear Prudence?

Dear Prudence is Slate’s answer to Dear Abby. I read the articles occasionally, and have always wondered if I should laugh or cry. Many (no most) of Prudence’s questions seem to come from people who live in the Jersey Shore universe, or at the very least, come from a very small gene pool. As you read the following Q & A, ask yourself:

Is this Slate’s idea of a satirical take on Dear Abby?

Does Prudence not understand she is being punked by these questions, or

Are people really this stupid??

Let me know what you think.

Dear Prudence,
My boyfriend and I fell in love at first sight. By the time I stood up and realized he was 4 inches shorter, we were too in love to care. I never in a million years thought I would be in this situation, but when you find the right person, you just know. My question for you is: Should I prepare other people for the height difference? I find myself trying to drop it into conversation when people haven’t met him yet. Sometimes I try to mention celebrity couples as examples, to give people an idea, but that only seems to make things worse. What I really want to say is, “I have trouble noticing the height difference because he’s a god in bed.” What’s your advice? And why does this stigma still exist?

—The Next Clare Grant and Seth Green

Dear Clare,
People definitely need to be prepared for this shocker. Before you introduce him you should alert your friends and family by saying, “You’ve heard that good things come in small packages. Well, even though my boyfriend is small, his package is not, so despite what you were probably thinking, I’m very satisfied in bed, thank you very much!” Then you could add, “I don’t know why people are so concerned about height differences. Sure, I never thought I would be in the ridiculous situation of towering over my boyfriend, but I’m not hung up about it at all!” Your boyfriend is shorter than you are. Big deal. It’s not something worth mentioning or being defensive about. It’s an unimportant, self-evident fact. You say there’s a stigma about shorter men with taller women, but that seems to be mostly in your own head. So get over it before you scare off your terrific guy through your own smallness.

—Prudie